In today's episode, you are going to hear one woman who redefined success after moving back home to the USA with just her passport, no English, no safety net, and no one cheering her on. Welcome to starting over in the USA, the Expat Woman's Guide to overcoming Homesickness, embracing cultural Differences, and creating a new home away from home. I'm Yolanda Sima, and thank you so much for joining me on our Wednesday Hangout where we sit with a guest who has a story about starting over in the USA, establishing a sense of belonging, redefining their identity so that you expect women can build on the foundations of what we've learned and what we share with you. That's what we do every Wednesday. So if you are that expat or immigrant woman and you've moved from your country of origin to realize a dream, to to be with family, to establish yourself, and you are basing your efforts on talent, and intellect, then this episode is for you. My guest has lit three fires, three takeaways the first is starting from nothing doesn't mean that you'll stay there. The second it's about cultural identity and race when it comes to navigating elite spaces, spaces where you might feel or others might tell you, you don't necessarily belong. And finally, I want you to walk away feeling super inspired to claim your space even if you think you don't fit the mold. And today I have Zainab Amir, a good friend of mine. Pick up the conversation, just join in. Thank you so much for coming. My pleasure. there isn't anything we haven't chatted about. However, our listeners today don't really know you, so they are going to get to know you a little bit and feel happy to share what you want to share. But I think your story is incredible that I just wanted to hear so much more are you comfortable with that? Sure, absolutely. I was born here in San Francisco, California. I was eight or nine years old and parents divorced and my father just flew back to Palestine and decided that it was best for me have culture and family and grow up around family. And I get that because I think that's important. Yes. Yes, it is. It wasn't easy. But I had, wonderful step mom I grew up with a lot of siblings, and, there was never a dull moment, right. But I grew up in north of Israel slash Palestine, how did you get from there to here? Break it down? Yeah. So the main drive for having arrived at today, and I'm still, work in progress, of course, I'm still growing, just wanting better for myself. Wanting to just have, um, more opportunities. And did you think you weren't going to get that in in Palestine. Absolutely not. And while there were a lot of good things, culture, language, friends, lots of family. The one thing that always was in the background that was awkward for me, that was painful for me. Yeah. So I am part African, part Palestinian. Yeah. And I definitely look black, right? And so I was in a town where people have only seen black people on television. Like seriously, never in person. Huh. So it was a lot for me because I was so young, right? I'm like nine years old. I don't understand the questions they're asking me. So you didn't speak any Arabic? Zero Arabic. Oh yeah, so that's another thing. I arrived there and everyone is speaking Arabic. And, here's the thing, I'm nine years old, right? So, when you're nine, you're going into what grade here? Third grade? They put me back in first grade. Oh, did they? Yes, they did. So I was always two years older than my generation, yes. That was another insecurity point for me. Yeah. Is it because of the language? Yeah, they said, yeah, and I don't understand why I couldn't have caught up in third grade. They were like, no, we're just going to place you in first grade. So I go in first grade and a year later, I kid you not, had forgotten all of the English and I'm fluent Arabic. I'm fluent. That was great. It was cool. It must have been harsh though, right? Leaving your mom. Having to go back. Yeah. Two grades. Yeah. It was a lot. My stepmother, she was, Palestinian and she had, for example, some of the adversity, right? So I had long, curly hair and she had no experience with managing textured hair and so she, they shaved my head basically. Completely. Completely. Completely. How did you feel about that though? I felt like I lost my identity, like I just felt like, it just didn't feel normal, because I felt like when you're a girl, you have long hair, it felt like feminine, and then you take away the hair and it just felt strange. Although I guess it made me stand out. I don't know if I felt like empowered at that time with that look. But the hardest thing I think was my mother not coming with us and I didn't understand why and then also being black in a small town where people have never seen a black person ever, and a language where it's foreign, literally. It took me years before I was comfortable and felt like I belonged. And just when I thought that I belonged, by the time I was graduating high school, in that small town, it's actually outside of Jerusalem. It's a very small town, unless you're from, the area you, it's actually called Kfar Qasim. Kfar Qasim. Kfar Qasim. In Arabic it's Kufur Qasim, in Hebrew Kfar Qasim. When I was in high school, Over there. Okay. Here's the thing, by the way, personal opinion, arranged marriages, they tend to be more successful than people meeting on their own as far as like, yes, the way we do it. So I'm not, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with arranged marriages, but what my experience was. By the time I was at, in high school, that's when they arranged, people to get married. Yeah, or something like that. Now it's more modern, but back then it was like, Oh, some guy, a guy sees you, and then he tells his parents, Oh, I want so and so, and then the parents, or sometimes the parents among themselves would arrange it. Okay. And guess what? All of my friends, my girlfriends from high school, just everybody was getting married and it was becoming clear that was not going to be happening for me. So even though, because I was mixed, because I had African descent. And nobody, you just felt nobody wanted to be married to the mixed girl. There was actually, so there was zero chance that was going to happen. And it became apparently clear that okay, there is racism here. And that. That was something that I knew firsthand there was going to be no moving forward for me in this town. I had to leave. There were subtle racist incidents that happened. But mostly people were nice, right? It just, they couldn't help themselves, right? They've never seen a black person. So when I was in middle school, I spoke with my father and I said, I want to go back to America. I don't know how I got the courage to say that. I just said, was it difficult? Yes. My father was like, no, you're going to stay here. You're going to get married. You're one of us. Like you're here. But then he couldn't, he didn't even know that this would happen. He couldn't see it. Now. So did you, do you recommend that he just brought you there thinking that you were just that we would assimilate? That's exactly right. Yes. But we didn't assimilate. We stood out. By we, I mean my sister and I, because I also have a younger sister. We stood out in the best and worst way possible. Yeah, it was, it was strange. It was uncomfortable. And, but here you are. But tell me something, you told your dad that you wanted to move back. Did he just put both of you in a plane and you landed here? First of all, there was a lot of resistance at first. Even my stepmother was like, no, it's not safe. Where do you think you're going to go? At that time, I was almost graduating high school. When the first conversations began, I was in middle school. But when it was actually time to go, I was in high school, right? And so I graduated high school and I'm just sitting around waiting and I, my life is not going anywhere. I'm not going to college. I'm not getting married. I'm, there's nothing happening. And I'm getting increasingly just more and more depressed by the day. Finally, I spoke with my father and but then my father, realized like, Oh wow, she really is not going to be fitting in with the society here. I'm And so he agreed and I was shocked. I was shocked because my father, he is a traditional Middle Eastern, we were Muslim faith. I was, yeah, I was definitely 100 percent immersed in the religion. I fasted. I used to even fast like by age 10 or 11, I was fasting like an adult would. Ramadan. Yes, 30 days. Sunrise to sunset. The thing is I'm grateful that my father who wouldn't even let us go to the grocery store without allowed. So you'd have to be a chaperone and you'd have to he just did everything for us. Well, I mean we were kids, like my stepmom She never had to go to the grocery store, the post office, anything, the normal things, drive, do anything. He did everything. And that was him. That was just more of, how a man's position in society there. So you landed here. I arrived here. And what happened when you got off the plane? Good question. So actually, it's actually a little bit sad, but, in the beginning, so my mother, obviously she's still here in America. And so we got in touch with her and my father expressed that I'm interested in coming to the United States to go to college and just, have an adventure. My mother initially agreed. And it became apparent when I arrived that she just wasn't happy with the arrangement. And so I actually moved out after a few months of living with her. But initially, the only reason my father agreed was because my mom was here. How did you find somewhere to go? How did you do that? So I If you can remember. Yeah, yeah, of course I remember everything. I got a job. I was self motivated always. I was very ambitious. I would stay up all night studying when I was back in the Middle East. Like I, I really, if I had my heart in something, I worked hard tirelessly until I achieved what I wanted. Did you teach yourself English? Uh, yes I did. So I, I would pick up, I would even answer like collect calls, a few phone calls that you would get just from random call collectors. I would answer it and I would try to practice English. I would try to read the newspaper back when newspapers were still a thing. And I tried, I would just read, I was studying for, not SAT. TOEFL, T O E F L, I think. Yeah. And I was studying because I knew I wanted to go to college. I just didn't know how to start. I had well over 4. 0 GPA from my hometown. I just needed somebody to point me in the right direction. And unfortunately. It just, things didn't work out with my mother. I moved out after literally being here for maybe four months, maybe even less. The reason that I learned English and how things were able to move forward was I got a job as a waitress and I was a waitress at a senior home, like one of those fancy senior homes. That was my first job ever. It paid good and I didn't have to, worried about new people coming in and out. It was like the same the same clients right? the same diners every single day. So I would do breakfast, lunch, dinner, shifts and make money and have you know roommates and had you know A nice place to live and my co workers honestly were the major help. In my transition, I learned English just by speaking with others. So, no matter how much you read, nothing beats just really immersing yourself in a culture and speaking and just being put on the spot. Right? It was terrifying. There's so many funny things. I'll tell you one. I I'm going to explain to you. So the first year I was here in San Francisco, cause I came back to San Francisco, by the way, I was terrified. I was in a culture shock. So growing up in Cufo Cossum, it was very, uh, you know, religious and, uh, it was, it was very dull, very just normal, normal for me anyway, very slow pace. I come here and there are sirens and police cars and ambulances and music and loud noises and people shouting and, and a few other things that I just wasn't familiar or used to. So I was terrified. It was a scary experience and I was homesick and I was sad. But I was determined to stick around. So you weren't ever tempted to just throw it all in. This is too much for me. I was weeping on the phone and calling back home, speaking with my father. The first year it was really tough. Like I almost gave up and actually my father reminded me, he said, Zainab, you wanted this, you wanted to go back and you wanted to see what life was like on your own. And so now this is what you asked for. And I said, you know what? You're right. And so. It had to be a little bit of tough love where he said, no, you need to stick it out and be there as opposed to leaving. Right. I was nervous because I thought I would come here and my mom would be, open arms I thought we'd pick up where we left off to be honest, but I was, that was far from it. It was scary being on your own because, you know, you could get hurt, like anything could go wrong, you can lose your job, and then what do you do, right? How do you pay rent, so, just fast forwarding to when I met you in the playground, you had Sophia, my daughter was two years old. Because you met a guy. Met a guy. Fell in love. Fell in love, and things didn't work out later. So, here I found myself just being a single parent, you know. While also trying to navigate how to advance my life. Yeah, so I actually, if you don't, you probably don't remember this, but you gave me rise to my, uh, my first pharmacist junior starter job. Uh, I was working at the CVS. Oh my gosh. Yes, yes. And you were so gracious and amazing and you helped me. Oh, thank you. It would be sometimes 8am, I think, or one time you came and picked me up and it was in the afternoon and it was just the most help I can ask for. Here's the thing. So. All I knew was I wanted something amazing in my life to happen. I just wanted to do better. My parents, like my father, he didn't even graduate high school. My stepmom had like an, I don't know, seventh, eighth grade education. I mean, I didn't come from educated family but my family, they taught us hard work and they taught us to go for what you want. And I always had this fire in me because... because of all the adversity I experienced, for example, not feeling like I belonged when I was growing up, being, you know, a part African, growing up in a small town in Palestine, and then also coming here back to the United States, not feeling like I'm black enough. Because people didn't view me here as black enough, by the way. That's an interesting one coming over. I had an identity crisis. Do you see yourself as a migrant or do you see yourself as I see myself as Palestinian, African American. That's what I identify as. And for years I struggled because I, I felt like just because I, on the outside I look African, that maybe I'm African American. For a while I felt guilty, like saying, Okay, but, but on the inside I am Middle Eastern. Like, I can't help where I grew up. But now I'm comfortable saying I'm a Middle Eastern woman. I'm also African American because I am an American. I was born here. I'm just as American as any, anyone else that was born here. So you're not at all really an immigrant? No. When we came, we expected to just surf around a few hotels for maybe two months and then Settle down in San Francisco and then it didn't work out like that It was really strange the money is getting less and less but it worked out. Right? And we had each other. Yes. We had each other. Do you think you had a tribe at that time what did you do for support and to stay sane and all that sort of stuff? So for me, the way that I pushed through was because I just felt that I only had myself to fall back on and to rely on. I had friends, friends that have been in my life for a long time like yourself. And then I had friends who were just there for a season, and they're gone. Uh, so, and I have a very, small circle of friends, but really at the end of the day, you know me, but any, anyone that's known me for a long time knows that if I put my mind to something, I will work tirelessly until I achieve it. And so I was, I was just self-motivated. I was self-motivated because I knew that I had to be, by the way, even though I didn't know necessarily what my profession was going to be, I always knew that I wanted to end up doing something great. I wanted to do this not just for myself, but just for my family and for Sofia. I really believe, on a personal level, I believe that everyone is here to live out your best and to give it everything that you have. I just continue to persevere, take the classes, you know, work hard, and any opportunity that was presented to me, whether an internship, uh, something for free that I could Volunteer. I did it. There's a lab fellowship here, an internship. I did a thing at UC Berkeley back in the day for a year. You had to apply, write an essay and get letters of recommendation. And I applied. It was a year long internship where you just worked, did research and learn how to do science. And that was actually the first time that I even knew that being a scientist, that was like a career path. I didn't even know, because where I grew up, it was one of the four. Either you're a doctor, engineer, lawyer, or like a, I don't know, like a teacher. Those were the respected professions. No one knew about a scientist. No, I've never known a person that was a scientist. I found out about this opportunity and from there I started to pursue that. One thing about me is that I am very resourceful and so I would apply for NIH funded grants. There are grants there for not just minorities, but for really anybody. The government wants people to pursue careers in STEM. I always enjoyed science, but I found this newfound passion for becoming a scientist, and so I just asked. Okay, what do I need to do to become a scientist? What sort of thing and the people around you, that's right. There was one particular advisor, Dr. Frank Bayliss. He is incredible, right? Shout out to Dr. Frank Bayliss over at San Francisco State University is where my undergraduate institute was. This man honestly changed my life. I will say, honestly, to go anywhere, you need to have somebody that when you are doubting yourself. They believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Yeah, and he was it. He was it. I he knows my entire life. He knew my struggles. He knew that I was, single parent, going through classes. I did my master's degree there in cell biology. Yeah, and I was just juggling everything with just me, my daughter, it was just, it was really not an easy path. I, once I knew I wanted to become a scientist. Everything else didn't matter to me as far as hard work. It came to me naturally. Yeah, you just plugged in, got on with it. Exactly. Do you think that you came with that particular degree of determination? I mean, you really persevered, despite how you felt and how scared and frightened you were, and then finding yourself as a single mother, not having figured out what you really are doing is it in your culture? Is it a family thing? Oh, no. No, it's not. It was me. Yeah. I would say it's me. that went horribly wrong in my life. Yeah. In spite of it, I decided that I'm not going to lie down here and just become a victim and feel sorry for myself that I wanted to do better because I had a responsibility, not just to myself, but also to my daughter, to my sister. Yeah. Really to my ancestors even. Yeah. I wanted to be empowered. I didn't want to be just the person who, Oh, I'm here. I, have my child and I'm struggling. And I didn't want that to be my life. Yeah. And that's what, what motivated me every day. Like, okay, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm just going to do it. I don't know where. I'm getting the money, but I'm, this is going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to, figure out childcare for my daughter, but I'm going to make it happen. Yeah. Yeah. There was no stopping me. There was no stopping me. I lived with, roommates. I did what I had to remember. Yeah. And that's not easy either. You know, living, with roommates and then trying to really make the best of what you have, the resources, but I continued to persevere because once I knew where I was going, Then it's easy as opposed to if you're just like taking classes, but you don't even know why you don't even know what you want to become. But once I knew, okay, there's a path for me. Then I just began to work really, really hard. And I got my master's. Of course I didn't arrive here like without help. Right. So I had good friends. Like I, I remember calling you when I was interviewing for grad school and I just asking you to pray for me and asking you to please encourage me because I I applied to top schools. I didn't just apply to Stanford. I applied to Harvard. I applied to MIT. I applied to UCSF. And we were like, Oh, yes, you will. That's right. Well, listen, here's the thing. I wasn't applying to these schools because it's the hip, in thing, to do. It was because I knew I had what it takes to make it in these institutions. And I knew that I had, A unique perspective that I was bringing to these programs. These programs would benefit from having my perspective and having someone like me. So I knew it was natural. That is what I love. That is what I've really enjoyed about you as well is the fact that your perspective says, I'm somebody different. I'm unique. You're going to benefit i'm just trying to say that Different people with their different cultures and different upbringings with their different stories. And if we're still here and we're thriving, which of course we are, and you certainly, we're not just living, we're not suffering, but we're thriving. Absolutely. That says something incredible about our humanity, about a human spirit. about this particular individual. And you know, if that's you, you have something quite extraordinary. And I bet you. Some people probably think that I am where I am because, oh, she's, she's part black. No. We worked your tail off, right? we earned, this is every bit of it. The imposter syndrome that I experience is so real just because of by virtue of who I am where I come from I am NOT coming from a place where my parents are educated. Where I know what to say what to do Everything I'm learning as I go and it's so hard because not only are you learning a new field You're also having to battle this internal turmoil, right this internal struggle, right where you're like, oh my god I don't know what I'm doing. When are people going to find out that I shouldn't even be here? When are people going to find out that I'm not, I don't even have what it takes. And it couldn't be farther from the truth. Of course we have what it takes, but it, the mind, it plays tricks on you almost. Right. So impossible syndrome. By the way, let me say something, okay, I will tell you something that I learned so far from living. People will say to you what you can and can't do. Because they're speaking for what they think that they can or cannot do. Sometimes people can even be coming from a very good place. They mean well. They don't know what you can and cannot do. The only person that knows what you can and cannot do is you. So that's why you have to be careful not to let anyone define for you what your possibilities are. Nobody. No one. Sometimes we need adversity to really just kick into, to propel us into action and into wanting better. I'll show you what I'm made of and what I can do. What the possibilities are for me and my life. You don't get to define that for me. No one should define that for me. I will decide my destiny and where I'm going, right? Amen to that. Yes. And I just heard the patio door sliding. I'm just really conscious of the fact that the kids have just sat themselves around the drum, right. Oh no. And somebody's on the drum kit, so we're gonna, we're gonna call it quits. So, great chatting. Yes, that was great chatting. And that's it from me today before we go, let's go back to the three takeaways, the little fires I mentioned at the top of the show. Thanks to my guest, Zainab for lighting those fires for us. And the first was about learning how to build a new life from the ground up with grit and heart. You and I do ourselves a great justice when we remember that we don't need perfect conditions to begin again. Starting from nothing does not mean that you're gonna stay there. You don't need to wait for the perfect job choose roles that teach you, pay you, and connect you with the people that you need to be in touch with. And as I said earlier, your story, like my guest, is not a hard luck story. Like Zainab. It's about being a visionary. It's about being persistent and emotionally intelligent. We are complex people and our lives are sometimes really complex. Like her. Be unapologetic for wanting to thrive. Be introspective. Consider what's going on inside you. Consider how you need to take care of yourself and be self-motivated. Be ambitious, but be authentic have the courage to be disruptive, and I'm not, talking about violently so. But being the person who is right for that job, who is right for that position, even if you might be the first, is perfectly okay Because by entering spaces in which others might feel you don't belong you are being a little bit disruptive. But that is perfectly okay. I also see grit and some suffering when it comes to Zainab's story. But to be honest, I think grit is necessary and sometimes it's invisible. Well, often it's invisible. I see grit as a bit of rebellion against silence against, systems, against low expectations, and as for suffering. You didn't go through all of that. You know, the research, the saving the legal application process just to be a trauma narrative. The early days are hard however, your ambition is to be more, than a struggle story., You are not always gonna have people around you to cheer you on. Sometimes you have to cheer yourself on. Many of us expat and immigrant women go through trials because we made the choice to move, especially if you do it alone. We question our sanity and we question our worthiness. Sometimes we question our bravery, and I understand that. That's perfectly normal. The second takeaway is understanding the unspoken emotional weight of identity. Race and isolation in difficult spaces, including academia. But here's your takeaway. Simply put, ambition doesn't ease isolation. And I say that from experience, what I've seen and what I've heard from women I've worked with over the years as well have informed me, but I'm speaking particularly to our expat and immigrant women of color in elite spaces. I would say there is an invisible burden, hearing that from my friend, Zainab spoke loudly, and it gives language to feelings that others are a little bit reluctant to name that effort of trying to prove your worth every single day. The last takeaway is for you to be inspired to claim your own space even if you do not fit the mold. I loved what Zainab said."I knew I had what it takes. I knew they would benefit from having someone like me. I wanted to do this not just for myself, but for my daughter, for my ancestors, even.". So despite cultural rejection in her early life and still having to deal with the emotional impact of that, despite so many other challenges that she experienced both in the Middle East and back here in the us. Her personal doubts, being thrown out, having to find her own way after just four months in the new country. Really? It was a new country. She didn't speak English. You heard the story. This woman claimed her space unapologetically. She was not asking to be accepted. She brought her full self even when the sounds and the language and the challenges ahead said otherwise. I love her courage. I am so pumped right now. I feel that after listening to Zainab, I can do anything. It's a pleasure, hanging out with you, my expat and immigrant women and i'm gonna think on this a little bit more and share with you what I'm feeling in my heart. Hard earned tools that help Zainab build from nothing, So for now, I'm gonna say bye-bye, and I'm gonna go back to unpacking my luggage after returning to the US from a very long trip in Europe. I'll tell you all about that later.