If you've ever felt like the big fish in the wrong tank, this conversation will help you understand why. You are going to learn the mindset shifts and practical insights that every expat woman needs to create community connection and a true sense of home in the United States. Welcome to starting over in the USA, the Expat Woman's Guide to overcoming homesickness, embracing cultural differences, and creating a new home away from home. On this podcast, we talk about leaving behind the familiar, you know, the pangs of homesickness and culture shock to the journeys of reinventing yourself. I'm Yolanda Reshemah. And after relocating six times, I know firsthand what it's like to start from scratch, feeling like both a foreign child and a foreign adult in a new world. This is a replay of an earlier episode that I wanted to bring back and include the bits that I had previously edited because this is about friendship and we've been talking about friendships the last few episodes, I want you to hear what my guest Dasha has to say about her Journey from small town rejection to San Francisco connections, and it shows me that the expat experience comes to all of us. Your origin, doesn't make you immune to it. You just need some strategies and tools to help you work through it. So listen to this. You are joining partway through the conversation. When I was a little girl living in the Soviet Union and my grandmother, for one reason or another was obsessed with America, and she kept telling me, someday you should marry an American guy. And my father would get angry at her because we don't have any Americans. Where is she gonna find an American guy? Lo and behold, in 1999, I started going to church that had American missionaries working Uhhuh there. And so two years later, in 2001, I met my future husband. His name is Seth and we dated sort of for a little bit and then he returned to America. And I had to face a choice to either break off the relationship or come to America somehow to see if it would work. So I managed with Lord's help to secure a student visa. To go to a Bible school in America for a year and yeah, and I landed in Lubbock, Texas. So I didn't really think of America at first as a place live. It wasn't America, that really drew you because you didn't really need to come. No, and the thing is, so we're talking about 2003 things were great in Russia at the time. I think things were going really well. Russia was succeeding economically. We still had all of our freedoms, but there was less chaos. So those were like the golden years, like the early two thousands for the golden years of Russia in where there were so many opportunities that there was really no need for me to be in America other than to check out this relationship. Tell me about when you started living here. Mm-hmm. After you got married, obviously it worked out. Has life in America panned out the way you expected or hoped, oh, interesting question. So I guess yes and no. I definitely appreciated that; I think one thing I love about America is that I can truly be myself here. even more so than in Russia, what do you mean by that, when you say you can be yourself here? I can say what I wanna say, I can wear what I want to wear. I actually shed a lot of cultural expectations that came with being a woman in Russia, and I feel quite sort of liberated in many ways, uh, living in America. At the same time, it has not been an easy journey because living in Texas, for example, was very hard, because I think there's a certain culture that is associated with a Christian woman living in the south. They have this famous thing, sugar and spice and everything nice. Right, right. I only have spice. Okay. All that. No sugar. A little, a little bit of sugar a lot of spice. I. So, um, spice is good. We need spice. Spice is good, but I, but I, I didn't quite measure up on everything Nice. And so kind was kinda like ostracized. I had trouble making friends. Ah, um, think they, they judged me and I think they saw me in a certain light, which was completely inaccurate, but yeah. Oh, so that was difficult. And then I tried to make relationship with. The Russian speaking community, which was great in that in Lubbock because we had a group of friends. But once we moved to Dallas, that two did not materialize for me either. So you struggled to make connections? Absolutely. And to establish a tribe, because that is what keeps us here to some degree, because it helps us to establish a new home and to surround ourselves with people who can care for us because we don't have our families here. And for our mental health. Absolutely. And for our stability, our sense of belonging, you are looking back at earlier years, but now have you been more successful in establishing a frame? Well, I've definitely learned a lot of things. In my first five years of living in that small town, and one of the most important things I've learned about myself or my limitations, there are just certain things I cannot do, and it's really healthy, I think, to know your limitations, like I cannot live in a small town. Like that's, that's a no-go for me, because they already have an established framework or relationship. You cannot break into that even if you lay your life down. I tried. It's not possible. Uh. When we moved to Dallas, which is a metroplex, you know, it's a bigger city. Mm-hmm. Yes. I was eventually able to find my tribe. But what I discovered is that relationships in America, especially with Americans,, take a lot of intentionality. You have to pursue those relationships with energy and passion. Otherwise you won't have any. I feel like in many countries, I don't know about England, but in Russia, relationships emerge organically. Yes. They just emerged. They just happened. Not in America. In America, you have to schedule things. You have to arrange, you know, because everybody's so schedule driven and everybody's schedules are so filled up. Mm-hmm. That you have to plan everything way ahead. You need to make sure you invite people, you need to make sure you sort of cater the event. To the way people are used to. Very funny example, we would host. Uh, birthday parties for our kids and we would invite our American and Russian friends. Let's say birthday parties at 10 Americans show up at 9: 45, stay until 11 and leave. Mm-hmm. Well come noon is when the Russians show up and they never leave. So we were used to having this like two parties, essentially an all day event. Yeah. Uh, and so it's stuff like that you, you have to understand how the culture works and I, I think the general vibe in America is that, like we don't talk about it, especially in San Francisco, but it's true. We as Americans expect other people to acculturate. Mm. That's interesting. So I feel like diversity, at least when it comes to international people, is a bit of a misnomer. You're either acculturate or you stay in your cultural community of origin. There's really not a whole lot of people that will across that gap. Mm. For you, if it makes sense. Yes, it does make sense. Hmm. You said you've acculturated, so have you retained some parts of your culture and is that really important for you Mm-hmm. I think the importance of it sort of has shifted for me in recent years, especially since I and my kids have been growing. There are definitely parts of Russian culture that I value very much; I love Russian language. I love Russian literature, music. There's so many foods and little traditions that we have now. Unfortunately, I only was able to bring so much into my household because it was like a swimming upstream it, it was always a battle for me. So I would say that there are definitely parts of Russian culture I really do value now. Uh, what I actually value also is like the redeemed Soviet culture that I've found, especially in San Francisco. And what is that? This was not the case. But ideally, Soviet Union was designed as this community of friendship between all these different nations that comprised the Soviet Union, 15 different republics. We have it here in San Francisco. That dream came true in San Francisco. So truly, if you speak Russian somewhere, um, and there's a person from Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, you have an instant connection. And so a lot of my friends here are Ukrainian Jews, Tadjiks or, or Uzbeks of Russians, or Russians or whatever, right? So it's kinda like that, that sort of a unity that we share in the Soviet culture in its best expressions. Um, became evident in San Francisco and I love that. If you could change anything. Or rather, that's not the question I want to ask you. I think the question I want to ask you is what do you wish you knew about the US before moving here, if anything about the US specifically? Um, or just about transitioning into a life here. Can I have two? Of course. As many as you want. Uh, first of all, I would've moved here right away. Uh, Texas is not a good place for Oh, you mean you would've moved to San Fran? I would've moved to San, I would move to San Francisco. That is much more diverse, much more welcoming to immigrants. Um, so that's one. Or New York or somewhere at Chicago. Um, uh, number two, uh, this is more of a personal, um, I would want to start therapy right away. Because there's so much to this process of acculturation and there's so much pain, um, that to have somebody guide me through it would've been great. So the therapy for yourself? For me, yes. I would've started therapy for me. Um, and then another one, uh, which actually did a good job on that one, but, um, but still is a good advice. Uh, I would be very intentional about my spiritual community and I would really look for a legit spiritual community and not settle for sort of, but, you know, not settle. I'll just leave it. Right. Okay. Mm-hmm. Going back to the therapy. Yeah. You said you would've started therapy immediately. What did you need or what did you get from therapy? And I asked that question because it's quite a nosy, invasive question, especially to a therapist. Oh my goodness. Absolutely. Because I want other people who might be listening to consider what they need to be aware of. Yeah. And they're not gonna be able to get that from me. They can only get that from me because I don't have that insight. Mm-hmm. Possibly. So what did you get from therapy? Or what did you need You know, I actually remember, so I went into therapy when I was in college. So it was already five years into, uh, my master's degree, uh, five years into my, uh, life in America. I was coming out of two years of depression. And I remember I was talking to my therapist and, uh, I remember that session so vividly where I was trying, basically my question was, what is wrong with me? I need you to tell me what is wrong with me. Because I don't know how to build relationships here. People don't like me, so I need you to tell me what's wrong with me so I can correct it. Mm-hmm. And I can be better. Right. And I, I remember she was so kind and she was so patient and she didn't placate me. She didn't sort of, uh, but she also didn't coddle me, you know? But she used this comparison of being kinda like a bright fish in a tank. She said, there is, there's a lot of you. You're just a lot. And I am, I'm a lot, she said. But we are in the southern small town culture. We're being, I mean, you can be a lot in a certain kind of way in a Texas kind of way, but if you're a lot in any other kind of way, you basically automatically get ejected from the system. And she said, you have a choice. You know, she said, she said, you can either shed your scales and become like the rest of the fish, or you can just find a different pond, find a different pond. And that's what I did. You know, I found a different pond. Uh, and I don't, I mean this is probably sounds I a narcissistic name at all, but, but it's sort of a, um, again, the, the, the, you know, and there's so many people I love in Texas, like my in-laws and, you know, other people that I met there. But, but again, like if, if you don't conform to that culture, that's it. That's it for you, right? And so, um, I would recommend if you feel like fish out of the water in America. Look for different pond, but also look for a good therapist who can also tell you some things. Mm-hmm. Right. And then the other portion that was really important is she really started speaking to me about how direct I am that I needed to tone it down, that I needed to learn to be less direct and to be kinder with my speech, choose my words, you know, I needed to preface things more instead of just kind of like saying it, Russians are very direct. Right. Get to the point quickly. To get to the point quickly. And so she, she really helped me to sort of that change my skills a little bit, but to retain my identity and also to help me figure out I'm in the wrong pond. I needed a different pond. So, and eventually I found pond. Wow. That is, that is sage advice. Mm-hmm. Change your scale, change your scale. But to retain your identity, which sounds to me like an art form, but that's what therapy does. That's what we do. So where is your sense of home? Where is home? Oh, home is here Home. Well actually, you know, home is, uh, where my family is. You know, I kind of, um, stopped holding on to cities or houses, you know? Um, so it could be anywhere, it could be wherever you happen to be at that moment in time. Yeah. Yeah. But this is where you are right now. Yeah. I actually feel called to San Francisco. The Lord sort of repeatedly have showed me that he wants us here and, um, I own it. I, San Francisco is home. Um, there are many things I love about the city. Maybe things I do not. Mm-hmm. Let's going through some challenges right now. Yeah. But it is home. Mm-hmm. Do you feel American? Do I feel American? Yeah. Or do you still feel Russian? Gosh, I, oh, I'm gonna be so, so tired. Come on. Just share it. Give it to me. We can take it. Okay. Well here's the thing. Yes. My citizenship is in heaven. Oh, I love it. No, I, I feel that, I am no longer Russian in the way you think of Russian, but yet I'm Russian. I have not thought of it of myself as American, but there are so many things in America I love, and I said that such will tell me. I want hear about, oh my goodness, the stuff that you love. Um, you know, I love that American people actually quite pure hearted. Like that's one of the things that always has amazed me is that I'm met so many people that genuinely love the truth, to people who cannot repay them back. I love that part. America, I think statistically speaking, America is actually the most generous country in the world. Like the amount of sort of a contribution to charitable organizations around the world per capita is the greatest in America, which is interesting. It's very interesting. Yeah. So, so I love that. I love that in America there is a deep sense of, um, uh, respect for, for hard work and labor. At least compared to Russia and some other countries that I've witnessed. You know, um, another thing I love about America is that, uh, you can sort of, uh, be weird. It's okay to be weird. Okay. Uhhuh, it's okay to be weird, you know? Well, I mean, to an extent, but there's that like, it's, it's okay, you know? Mm-hmm. Just to express yourself in mm-hmm. How the way you choose. Yeah. That's interesting because I feel as though in Europe mm-hmm. Uh, there's an even stronger sense of individuality, the way you express yourself. That here in the us. Yeah. I feel like in Russia there's quite a strong spirit of conformity. Mm-hmm. Still. Mm-hmm. Um, and so, but I've never lived the nerve, so I can't, I can't tell you. What do you think? Well, the biggest challenges that you've had to overcome in settling down here in the us? Making friends, figuring out my purpose in life. Um, motherhood. Oh my goodness. Motherhood. Yes. Ah, wherever you are. Yeah. That's tough. But I think it's especially tough here because I think America's just not, does not really have appreciation for motherhood, unfortunately. Do you think so? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, yeah, I think those are probably the biggest challenge. Making friends. Making friends. Yeah. Figuring out my purpose because there's so many choices and I'm interested in everything. Right. Okay. Okay. Wow, that's incredible. Do you think moving to the US has changed you for the way Oh, absolutely. Mm-hmm. In what ways do you think it's changed you? Uh, uh, it taught me humility. That was a hard lesson. Um, and one, I'm still sort of on the path of discovering because I really felt like I was somebody in Russia. And then I came very, do you mean like a sense of importance? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I went from being somebody to be nobody. Ah. Mm-hmm. Wow. So that was interesting. Yeah. And kinda like shedding some of that somebody status and really figuring out who I am, in the Lord, in my relationships and what, what do I value about myself? Um, yeah. So that was, that was good. Was that an imposed change or was that something that was more spiritually led? I'm trying to understand, for example, why could you not have brought your sense of importance, the sense of who you were, that understanding of who you were then everything you had worked. Such? Good question. Good question. Um, uh. Honestly, um, I could bring it and I did bring it, but nobody cared. Ah-huh. Okay. So it's this thing about identity. I'll give you Yeah. I'll give you an example. Um, so, so the college I went to for my undergrad was like the Harvard of Russia, like if I meet the Russian speaking person in America today, and I tell them where I go to where I went to school, everybody instantly knows what the school is. Okay. But when I say to pretty much anybody else, Moscow State University, what is this? Oh, it's a state school, it's nothing. Mm-hmm. Nobody knows. Nobody cares. And it's kinda like that, you know? Um, and, and too, I think there was a moment like before I got my degrees here to where I, I come from a very intellectual family. Yes. So when we read a lot, um. Me less so than the rest of my family, like philosophy, mathematics, like we were willing to all that stuff. Um, but because I didn't have the vocabulary, and also there's not a whole lot of interest in like deep thinking in America. Mm-hmm. Like for example, I would bring something up, which I thought was interesting or relevant and people would have no idea what I'm talking about. Okay. I've experienced that. You know, it's almost like, have you heard these comparisons? How, um, uh, sculptors mm-hmm. They don't come up with an idea and they look for a piece of marble to carve it out? No, they look, they take a piece of marble and they'll circle and circle, and then they will see the statue Okay. Inside the marble, and then they carve it out. Right. So I feel like the process of therapy is actually, there's a lot of chiseling For sure. A lot of healing that needs to happen. Right. But in the process of that healing, dealing with our stuff, right. Uh, we're chisel. With it and it actually makes it brighter. Mm-hmm. Chiseling out the beauty with it. Yeah. That's what, that's, that's what I do. That's why I'm so passionate. About my craft is I like it. Somebody did that for me. All my goodness. Oh, amen. Dasha, that is such an amazing note to end on. I feel like I want to keep talking to you because there's just still so much more, so many other things that you said that I want to pull out. I feel like we should have a round two. I feel like I don't want to finish because we still have our nibbles, we've got our pineapples, we've got our matcha tea. You've got your laqua water and your loosely tea. I need to learn to say it What? Like what? Okay. Okay. That's not what I call it. I think Americans say la Croix we've got our cookies and I feel like I want to stay here forever. It's been lovely. Thank you so much. It has been lovely. What a privilege. And I love what you do. Please keep on going. Ah, thank you. I'll do my best. I'm doing my best. I'm still learning. Thank you so much, expat women for joining me today. I hope you enjoyed what Dasha and I shared with you. I think for me, the key message, the big takeaway that I get from Dasha is that you are not too much you might be in the wrong environment., The other thing that I learned from. Dasha is the fact that acculturation is a painful experience for so many of us, and you don't have to navigate it alone because you can start therapy. You can seek spiritual community for support, and building international friendships. Are not luxuries. These are lifelines with people who understand what you are going through because they themselves are going through it. I'm going to share some tools and strategies with you on the next Friday episode so that you can finally begin to enjoy the life that you want to create. That's it from me. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye-bye.