We are talking about something tender, something real. What happens when your first attempts at Friendship as an expat woman doesn't work out. When you've tried the meetups, the coffee chats, the parent groups, and still feel unseen. welcome to starting over in the USA, the Expat Woman's Guide to overcoming Homesickness, embracing cultural Differences, and creating a new home away from home. On this podcast, we talk about leaving behind the familiar, the pangs of homesickness and culture shock to the journeys of reinventing yourself. I'm Yolanda Reshemah. After relocating six times, I know firsthand what it's like to start from scratch feeling like both a foreign child and an adult in a new world. This episode is for every expert woman who's asked herself, is it me? Is there a problem with me? No, there is not. It is the journey. We are going to honor that journey. You learn how to redefine connections, on your terms and cast your net wider with intention, how to surround yourself with a community that sees your soul, not just your story. When I first moved to the US I had this quiet expectation that friendship would just happen. I'd show up at a playground, a church event, a local meetup, and boom, I would find somebody to connect with and we would become friends but it didn't work like that. I remember feeling cooped up with baby while my husband was at work and just thinking, this isn't healthy. This is not sustainable. So I joined some parents exercise groups But. We didn't click. I kept trying. I kept showing up, but something felt off. Eventually after one too many complaints. My husband said something that changed everything, he said, they're clearly not your people. Stop hanging out with them. You are making yourself and me in miserable. He was completely right. He was right. I was chasing connections without any clarity whatsoever. Here's the one thing I know now that I didn't know before. Friendship requires intention, but I didn't have a title for it, but back then I realized that if I'm going to stop, that means pausing. So I pause. I started looking inwards. I asked Myself, what kind of friendships am I looking for? This is a real true process that I went through and I've said it over and over a few times, and I do recommend it for you as well expat woman, do I want someone who I could just go on a walk with somebody to talk books and ideas with, or do I want somebody to ring my doorbell when I've gone quiet for too long? I hadn't asked those questions before and I didn't know that I needed to, but once I did, everything shifted. I realized that I needed people who were well traveled, who were culturally diverse, people who were curious, people who would not just tell me about themselves, but would ask questions about me. I wanted people who were kind and just straight up old fashioned friendly, who knew how to have a conversation. I also realized that I wouldn't find all of these traits in one person or find what I'm looking for in one organization. I had to cast my net so very wide, and I did, I went to church for spiritual nourishment because that's extremely important to me. I did pro bono work for intellectual stimulation. I took a post-grad course for cultural diversity and to experience teamwork. I met so many students, all ages from early to mid twenties, up to late fifties, and they were after the same thing. We were learning new skills and getting a new qualification to progress our career of just for the hell of it. We went out once a month. We had fun together. I feel like it brought healing in some way, but it gave me a lot of confidence and my, my cup was filled right. The benefit of pouring myself into these different environments is, each of them gave me so much. I was investing in myself. I was also taking care of myself in so many different ways. Each space fed a different part of me, and slowly the loneliness just begun to lift. I started feeling so much happier about myself, and that is where things started changing. Now let's look at casting the net wider. I was having coffee with this guy I was doing some volunteer work with, and as we were sitting there at this mall, a friend of his walk pass and he waved at her and said hi. And they had a few words in exchange, you know, across the way as people were walking by. And I was sat in there looking at him and then looking at her and just looking at the joy on their faces. And I thought, oh, she's got a really lovely smile. So I turned to him and said, oh, who is she? What's her name? She looks really lovely, and he said, yeah, she's really lovely. I said, I think I'd like to get to know her. So I waved at her and I introduced myself. I said, hi, how are you? And a few months later he connected us. That woman is now a pretty good friend of mine, so she also introduced me to her circle of friends, and it has been beautiful. I didn't see that coming. I didn't expect it, but I was completely open, it wasn't planned. I had to let go of my assumptions about who my friends should be, what they should look like, what boxes they ought to take, and that changed everything. So here's what I've learned. This gift of friendship has to be completely mutual and treated as something that's sacred. If you offer your gift of friendship, but they do not in return, that's a red flag and it's not going to work. If they don't return calls, if they're not curious about who you are, it is not going to work. This gift of friendship, It also takes time. So before you settle into this mindset of, oh, this person is now my best friend, you need to meet their friends, see how they respond to you. Are they welcoming? Are they open? Because if they're not, it may not work out. It took me years to find my tribe, and now because they're beautifully varied in race and origin and language and just in general spirit, the way human beings are supposed to be. We feed each other in so many different ways. We are funny, we are sad Sometimes we, uh, lounge around the house and not want to move, not want to go out. We talk about our kids, we talk about our family. We talk, talk about our aspirations. We just do life. We talk about our business goals and other aspirations, and the things we are stuck on, the things that hurt us to the core. We are prepared to be vulnerable with each other. It took me years. To find these people, and none of them are at all what I imagined. They weren't fascinated at all by my accent or my career my culture. They were simply interested in a fellow soul and spirit. Here's my takeaway for you. Expect women first, don't give up. Put aside your assumptions about education, culture, and language, and all the definitions of who you want to be friends with, how much they should earn, all that sort of stuff I would recommend you consider the character of the human being in front of you first. The third thing, cast, your net far and wide. I've repeated this a few times that I can't help but say it again and again. Check out different communities, check out different towns and villages. Go to open mic sessions where poetry might be the thing, or maybe it's whatever, you know, just go with something different. You'll be so fascinated by the people you meet and the characters. I have met this lady in my shared work space by the name of Marissa. Marissa is colorful and happy. She is full of life. I would never have met her. Had I not joined this shared space community? So be open to the souls who can feed you and who are open enough to let you share into their life. That means they're prepared to be as vulnerable as you are. Now, next week I'm thinking it would be great to explore how expect women redefine friendships in midlife across borders and time zones and languages. I don't know if it's possible, but I'm going to try. Tell me what kind of friendship are you craving right now and what assumptions might you release to find it? Until then, take care of yourself. Take care of your heart. Remember, friendship is a gift and you are worthy of receiving it. If it is not offered, don't chase it. That's it from me. Enjoy your day.