In today's episode, we are talking about identity as something you do and grow into, not a version of yourself that disappeared at all. If you, my expat woman has been noticing little shifts in yourself lately, this conversation will help you make sense of them in the gentlest, most grounded way. Keep listening. Welcome to the Places we call Home podcast, A guide for expat and immigrant women navigating homesickness and cultural differences and the beautiful, complicated work of rebuilding life abroad. If you are carrying the emotional weight of fitting in, feeling lonely, or searching for a sense of belonging, you are in the right place. This is your community and your companion. And your reminder that you'll have to figure this out alone. Hello, hello, hello. My expat, ladies and men listening. It's so nice to be back. But hey, before I get into today's episode, you will have noticed that the name has changed. There is a little rebranding going on right now, but everything else stays the same. It is Friday today, and that means reflections, tools, and takeaways. And this week we are sitting with a question so many of us expats whisper to ourselves after relocating. Who am I now? But not in a heavy way. More in that curious, slightly surprising way where you catch yourself doing things differently, reacting differently, have you ever heard yourself laugh at a joke and thought, why did I start finding that funny? Or you are back home for a visit and somebody says, oh, you've changed since you've been away, but you just can't tell if it's a compliment or a warning? Today I want to talk about that strange uncomfortable space where you don't fully belong back home but also don't feel rooted where you are now. That place where you start to wonder, oh my gosh, who am I underneath all these moves and these adaptations, all this change. I'm not coming at this from an academic perspective, or I'm not some kind of self-help guru either. I am just the woman, the person who's been there. I'm talking about something that I've experienced. I feel most of us were raised to belong first, and to ask questions after. You learn the rules, you, you fit in. But you just don't rock the boat. Then you move countries and the rules have changed. The way people parent, work, rest,, argue,, celebrate, it's all shifted. The culture's different. Here you are thinking, if I keep bending to belong, at what point do I snap. If I stop bending, will I be alone? Will I have anyone in my corner? Will all efforts to belong, make friends connect? Be for nothing? This is the tug of war between attachment, wanting to belong, and, authenticity, needing to be yourself. The first time I went back to England I ran into an old family friend they were so happy to see me, and I was happy to see them as well. They were cheery and jolly, but they were like, oh my gosh, you really changed. I couldn't tell, oh, is that good? I keep remembering the way they observed me, how they looked at me from my hair to my clothes assessing my body shape. Trying to figure out all of the different ways that I had changed. They even looked at the rings of my finger. That simple, ordinary observation made me feel so very aware of who I was, how I myself am changing and what I'm doing with that information. I, I think I became a little bit self-conscious. But to be honest, when I consider myself and the experiences that. I'd been having myself and my husband, the new people that we were meeting. I wasn't exactly miserable about those changes that were happening. I was learning so much. I was discovering things about myself that I didn't know existed. Many of my guests so far have said the same thing. When I ask them the question, who are you now? They are so positive. They are happy about how their life has changed. And not everything is perfect. I wonder if a lot of us put on what I call, the good expat costume that expat who's grateful and apologetic for doing just a little bit better than expected. But underneath you are grieving in a career that you had to leave. And when that grief has nowhere to go, I wonder if it turns into this quiet identity crisis. If I'm not who I was back home and I'm not fully who I am here, then who exactly am I? So here are three questions I've been sitting with. The first question. Before you moved, what did you care most deeply about? And which of those still feel like you or even shifted? For example, I cared a great deal about fairness and respect, and that hasn't changed. For me those core values are still there. But I definitely have added a few more. How has my environment, this new life and all the stuff that I do here altered me at core? Because being altered is inevitable. So I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I love change. I welcome change. An example. I have come to learn that I used to wait for somebody to give me the title for somebody to say, Yolanda, this is your new title. You can occupy that position of authority. Instead of understanding that I have the skills, I have the tools, I have the experience, I can just be it, live it, do it. Now, I don't know if age is also part of it, I just take authority and just do it because I have the experience and I have a skillset. That is so weird for me to say. And over the coming weeks, you are going to hear our expat guests share who they are now. As a result of having relocated to the USA. And here's my second question. When do you notice or feel yourself acting? You know, saying yes when you actually mean no and laughing, when you feel uncomfortable pretending you are fine, even though you are not. I believe we all do that to some degree and, and at some point when we meet new people, just to be polite. But I think I'm really talking about when it's become a habit, because you don't want to rock the boat. You wanna fit in, you want to be included, you want to be seen. But I also have to acknowledge of how that sometimes performance can be a survival mechanism. For me, it was really important to notice how I was responding to other people, how I was treating myself. And so I, I, I found myself, I used to ask myself so Hmm, is this performing? Am I being real to myself? What am I doing? Should I have let that comment go? And once or twice the answer was no. And so I felt really uncomfortable at the fact that I didn't speak up when I should have. That helped me to review and reshape my thinking. To redefine who I'm becoming, and make sure that it's the person that I'm going to be most comfortable and proud of. My last and final question, where do you go to allow your body to exhale? That sounds like an odd question, doesn't it? I think, I mean. Where do you go to allow yourself to relax and to just allow your body to exhale, to unclench your fists and to remove the fake smile and to relax your jaw bone, to relax your face..For me. It was always at home, the place where I felt most comfortable, where I can be my authentic self warts in all. And this isn't trivial, it's data. And that's how I would encourage you to see it as data. If you are listening and thinking, Hmm, I don't know who I am anymore., I didn't see this as failure. I saw it as getting my head straight, just revising myself because because I feel like when you move abroad you experience all of these changes, it becomes a mirror, and sometimes that mirror shows you parts of yourself you just don't need to hold onto. You don't need to rush to some identity statement because you still figuring it out. My next episode on Wednesday is with a guest called Tim, you are going to hear him talk about his new identity in this country that he's moved to. Not everything is perfect, and he says something that's so important. He says, don't be afraid to be afraid. It's okay to be figuring it out. It's okay to not quite have everything in place. It's daunting and it's uncomfortable. Paying attention to who you are becoming It's a great opportunity for shifting and shaping. It is that simple kind of. If this episode has stirred something in you, then I am encouraging you to share it with somebody who gets it or share it with somebody you wish understood it better. And if you are in that identity fog right now. You can feel assured that you are not the only one. We are all expat women, still trying to make a home first here I'm tapping my chest and then everywhere else, so that's it for me today. It's been lovely hanging out with you. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye-bye.